it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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