No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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