sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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