What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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