Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
