dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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