if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
