dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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