i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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