You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
