you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
