the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
