Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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