i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
