just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
