You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
