Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
