I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it glows. i had to have it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
