Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
