i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Please don't give away my fajitas
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