my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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