i just identified you from a description of your pipe
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
