its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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