Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
