I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
