3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
