Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
