all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
