I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
