anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
