just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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