someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
