Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
