Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
