i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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