it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
