Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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