I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
