the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
