The maid of honor just puked.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
