i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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