if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
