burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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