Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
