You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
