Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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