so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
