working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
