If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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