the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
