I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
