she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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