So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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