Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
